Week 1:

 

 

To the Editors:

            It has been said more than once in recent months that “What is god for the Goose is goose for the Gander”[1]. When applied to the upcoming Presidential election, this fallacious argument is especially ridden with holes, almost as though it were some sort of rhetorical cheese. Even if we choose to disregard Kimmel’s agrarian claim that “Yu can trust me Im smarter then Da Vinsi” [sic], there is much available in his philosophy to offend the sensibilities of the enlightened reader. Citing Babbitt’s alleged “uber r0xx0rz” [sic] is no more a proof of the composer’s ability to govern our nation than is Kimmel’s use of some imagined “a priori proof burden” to justify his absurd assertion in regard to whale livers [2]. In conclusion, Milton Babbit is clearly unfit to be our nation’s next president, as he is not in any sense semicombinatorial at the tritone.

[1] - Joe Kimmel, personal communique.

[2] - Natural Whale Liver Enthusiast, vol. 31, #3 - publication upcoming.

 

Quite Sincerely,

Walker Evans

 

 

 

Week 2:

 

Dear Editor,

            The recent comments of Walker Evans regarding the quadrennial DC nuptials between a white man and a white house are entirely off the beaten track. What Mr. Evans fails to address is the percent volume of alcohol in Fermat’s last theorem. Unbeknownst to many, Fermat was a great afficionado of so called “leet-speak” and had in fact been known to remark “D00dx0Rz, x^nxorz + y^nxorz = z^nxorz.” Similarly, the fleet which has already sailed from Omaha will soon be anointed the Queen of England, and the lord of all that it surveys. Mr. Evans is obviously confused in regards to the gentlemanly pursuit of peanut-butter and jelly electorate voting.

 

Yours Truly,

 

joe kimmel                                                                                                       

 

 

 

Week 3:

 

 

To the Editors:

            I note with shock and disapproval Joseph Kimmel’s recent references to “gentlemanly pursuit[s]” [1].  Especially following the recent crawfish debacle in the (lately) clean and new Science Center, I fail to see how any conscientious member of this campus could consider anything related to Kimmel to be “gentlemanly.”  If we turn to the literature, we find that (writing in similar times) Locke advises us that “[W]here-ever there are any number of men, however associated, that have no such decisive power to appeal to, there they are still in the state of nature” [2].  Ruttles agrees in his seminal “What the Antelope Told Her Father.”  Kimmel would do well to reassess his priorities, especially in these times of interdenominational strife amongst not only members of the so-called Democratic party, but also the much-respected Associated Cougar-Baiters International.

 

[1] - Kimmel’s editorial letter of February something.

[2] - “Second Treatise of Government,” VII: 89

 

Quite Sincerely,

Walker Evans

 

 

 

To the Editors,

            you still smell like pea soup[1].

 

Sincerely,

Joe Kimmel

 

[1] www.homestarrunner.com

 

 

Week 4:

 

 

 

To the Editors:

            The kind of personal attack advanced on me by Joseph Kimmel in his most recent letter (or should I say “unfettered travesty”) to the editor is merely what we may have come to expect from such an infamously devoted disciple of the teachings of Hari Seldon.  According to the Bard, “Spahlinger regt mit seinen 28 vorschlägen ein radikal demokratisches Konzept zur Einübung in selbstverantwortetes Handeln und zum Erwerb künstlerischer Kompetenz an” [1] (although perhaps such a disregard of the words of the Bard, or “barred,” should be expected, or “insurrected,” from someone like Kimmel (or “McBalthrimmel” - no pun intended!)).  As an unabashed supporter of Naylor’s well-known “Hoboken Doctrine” [2], Kimmel’s brashness in continuing this volley of epistles without addressing the contradictions inherent in his own jello is appalling.

 

[1] - Musik in Deutschland 1950-2000, [e] Erziehung zur Musik, liner notes

[2] - See also O’Grickman’s not inconsiderable contributions to “Wally!: The Life of America’s Sweetheart of the Space Shuttle.”

 

Quite Sincerely,

Walker Evans

 

 

 

[insert here the foolishness of the review in which they do not print our letters for a week.

  What are we to do? Oh, what are we to do,...? ]

 

 

 

Week 5:

 

Dearest Editorial Staff and well-wishers,

 

Walker Evans’s overtly misogynistic agenda may no longer be as safely ignored as the mounting global tension or the inexorable buildup of solid waste. When interviewed, an expert in the area responded: “Moreover, something like two-fifths of all the land is possessed by women.” [1] Due to the recent influx of catfish ray tubes to the Oberlin-area, there no longer seems to be a willing audience for the sort of warmed-over-anonymous pseudo-political pond scum which my worthy opponent is peddling. Further, his claims regarding the Hoboken Doctrine are not yet rated, and so young children should be kept at an arm’s length until the dust has settled to the floor, as have so many presidential candidates. As far as the recent actions of our fair King George II - particularly his predilection for the restriction of same-day unicycle unions - I am certain that Mr. Evans will have quite a few wires to splice betwixt today and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

 

Yours Truly-duly,

Joe Kimmel

[1]Aristotle, The Politics, II: ix, Property.

 

 

To the Editor:

            Joe Kimmel eats dog food.

 

Love,

Walker Evans

 

 

Week 6:

 

 

To the Editor:

        The vicious smear campaign recently begun by your mom is surpassed only by that of one Mr. Walker “If that is his real name” Evans. Several weeks ago when this upstanding young denizen mentioned the agreement reached regarding his fibula in the NATO Charter, he neglected to mention the anxious little detail that all advertising rights were given over to the Sony “If that is their real name” Corporation. Upon learning of this news, one must pause and question the motives behind Mr. Evans’s recent claims protruding to my regular ingestion of this so-called “dog-food.” While it would be felicitous to claim that I did not engage in dog-food with that woman, perhaps a more apt response would be to question which brand of muttly comestibles were ostensibly taken in? Who owns stock in said brand? Needless to say, an in-depth investigation of this question turned up several bubble-gum wrappers and a trail which led all the way to the President of our college - Nancy “If that is her royal gnome” Dye herself. Tune in tomorrow for more on this special investigative report expose [1] - “The Corporate Stranglehold on North America, Particularly the Lower Pedal Appendage of Walker Evans.”

 

Best Wishes,

Joe Kimmel

[1] sbemail89

 

 

 

 

Week 7:

To the Editors:

                Rousseau knew from whence he spoke when he said that “On the other hand, we can even less easily attribute this discovery to some accidental fire, since mines are formed only in barren places, denuded of trees and plants, so that one might say that nature has taken pains to hide this deadly secret from us.” [1]  Regardless of the pains taken by nature, the deadliest secrets of Joseph Kimmel are all too easily revealed.  As one of the foremost Enlightenment thinkers, Rousseau would have been repulsed both by Kimmel’s brazen public blusterings and lavish private excesses.  Upon breaking into his apartment, our researchers discovered sights that were “never meant to see the light of day” and which “oh God made my eyes bleed oh God.” [2]  Without going into too much detail (unlike Kimmel, I have no desire to corrupt or offend any of the more sensitive membranes of society), I will say that Kimmel’s “Boiler Room of Erotic Baked Goods” and his apparent passion for the Eastern Floridsdorfian Lashing Eel were more than enough to turn the stomachs of our most hard-bitten soldiers.  I only wish that it were not my lot to reveal the depths of Kimmel’s depravity, but I believe that the public has a right to know.

 

[1] - Jean-Jacques Rousseau, “A Discourse on Inequality,” Part Two

[2] - Colonels Mustard and Sanders, in conversation, 2/17/04

 

Quite Sincerely,

Walker Evans

 

 

To the Editors,

                It is hopefully apparent to all that Walker Evans quite nearly has two first names. In fact, if one takes into account that in the patronym “Evans” the ‘s’ is for ‘Sucks’, then we find ourselves confronted with one Mr. Walker Evan, or is it Evan Walker? At any rate, this tricksty individual has failed to accentuate the detail that my grandmother went on a vacation and in her suitcase she packed: an apple, blueberries, cranberries, dodecahedrons, elephants, fungi, Guatemala, hindsight, illiteracy, jars of noises, killer bees, lemmings, more lemmings, Nostradamus, origin, porridge, quack, rustic rhubarbs, stork-o-matic, televised spamvertisement, umbilical cords, viking ships, wax, Xenakis, yellow submarines, zealots.

 

Earnestly yours,

Joseph Kimmel

 

               

 

 

 

Week 8:

 

Darling Editropes:

                After easily obtaining a search-warrant with the help of my fraternity brother John Ashcroft, I was able to search the Library records and Financial activities (including car purchases) of Walker Evans. I can assure you that his reading and spending habits would induce ulcers in the stomach linings of many a fine young lass, lad or platypus. Mr. Evans’s proposed “One Ring to Rule them All[1]” doctrine is nearly as corrupt as the numerous Halliburton contracts which have been granted by our current administration, whose vice-president Dick Cheney is rumored to have been a top runner-up for Luce Professor of Emerging Arts (Mr. Cheney had vowed to give lectures limited to dead white men, preferring those whose last names began with the letters ‘S’ or ‘B’). All Enlightenment philosophy aside, the time for action might be now. We must move upwards for progress is surely circular, and stagnation may only follow abreast its hoary white head. The salutary effects of oatmeal[2] upon mongoose living out of dumpsters is indexical of the current trend towards globalization and increased nuclear armaments. We must not fall behind. We must not fall forwards. We must not falter. We must not think. We must accept passively. We must progress. “Upwards[3].” Forwards. Onwards. Outwards. Our manifest destiny is clear at last: A Wal-Mart in every lunch pail.

 

[1] The Lord of The Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien

[2] “The Salutary Effects of Oatmeal on Quakers,” Quaker Oatmeal Corp. Quarterly, vol 34. No.11

[3] “Ascension” The Biennial Publication of Directional Words Vol 1.                          

 

Yours,

 

Joe Kimmel

 

 

Week 9:

 

To the Etiquette:

                Joseph Kimmel’s recent assertions in regard to his own domestic prowess are easily dismissed.  His January contribution to the popular newspaper column “Hints From Heloise” contains suggestions urging the homemaker to “Save those myna birds for a rainy day!” and advising that “Bicarbonate of soda makes a handy baby solvent”[1] - notions that should be given no more stock than his clearly delusional evaluation of his own worth as a stoat breeder.  Similarly, Kimmel’s much-ballyhooed role in the European revolutions of 1848 crumbles under close scrutiny.  Neither his feeble attempts at Machiavellian manipulation nor the self-congratulatory December unveiling of his remarkably risque line of doggie-sweaters in Paris [2] have managed to cover the holes in Kimmel’s argument.  In less discerning minds Kimmel may yet hope to entrench his poison talons, but all true scholars will reject his mindless blatherings as surely as we have already rejected his repeated marriage proposals.

 

[1] - “Hints From Heloise,” 1/22/04

[2] - See also the coverage of this event in the January 2004 edition of “Vogue.”

 

Grimly Yours,

Walker Evans, Attorney at Large

 

To the Editors:

                peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots peas and carrots*

 

yours truly,

 

Joseph M. Kimmel

*This message does not necessarily reflect the position or policy of the New Jersey Education Association or its affiliates.

 

 

Week 10:

 

Dear Editors,

                As evidenced by Mr. Evans’s blatant misquoting of my recent article, which in fact suggested lye as a handy-dandy baby solvent, he is in no shape to play the matchmaker, nor should others accept his sundry life-partner advices (or advances). Evans’s post-feminist / structuralist bias is clearly displayed in his conclusion that the UN Oil-For-Food [1] scandal was presaged by the now infamous statement, “Mr. Bush’s right to swing his patriot act ends where my privacy begins,” made by ACLU frontrunner Ted Koppel [2](Porcupines are strictly besides the matter in any case, as the morphing is self-evident and entirely granulated). There will be a reception following at 3pm - “in a big time night club, and cut up the floor, and drink myself to death, and go home with some sleazy-transvestite-pole-dancer. I’m not going to a dance club.” [3] I hope that by now the indexical meanings have revealed themselves during the course of this finely sifted grain sandwich manwich pom-pom.

 

 

[1] His comments were published in the little known quarterly “Corruption and International Bodies of Governance,” all issues of which were subsequently subpoenaed by Paul Volcker’s probe.

[2] Koppel made these comments immediately after reading the list of names of all Iraqi Civilians who have died during the American-led war on their home soil, during a dream I had this past Wednesday night.

[3] Walker Evans - personal communication.

 

Yours truly,

Joe Kimmel

 

 

 

 

Week 11:

 

To the Oedipus:

                In reference to his two-hundred dollar a day Nutella habit, Joseph Kimmel was recently quoted as saying “I was once a one-legged orphan...and now I have two legs and two parents.” [1]  Regardless of claims to the contrary (first set forth by Walther von der Vogel Weide in his seminal work “A Hairy Situation: The Role of Wig Swapping in the Appomattox Negotiations”), Kimmel’s blithe assurances of his alleged words-per-minute carpetbagging records - records which, the discerning reader should note, have been sealed from the public - have been broadcast repeatedly.  Electroshock privateering allegations aside, Kimmel’s purchase and subsequent mastication of the Rockefeller Monet collection should be ignored no longer [2].  Even before his international self-revelation as the “Pistol-Packing Mama” of ecoterrorist infamy, Kimmel’s reckless disregard for both the Godiva Convention and the Camp David Apricots must arouse the ire of all well-meaning pediatricians.

 

[1] - The New York Times, “Greenspan Worried Over Third-Wheel Status,” 7/12/05

[2] - The only mainstream media coverage of the event, in the March 2002 issue of “Homonymic Mimeophonics Monthly,” suffered from a highly convenient “mistake” at the printers and was delivered with every other page printed in Morse code Pig Latin.

 

Quite Sincerely,

Walker Evans

 

Dere Eduters:

                th’ prepostrus clams mayed bi- maya appointent Water E-vans r knought t’ b took cirrus lee bi enna 1. (S/)He iz uh hardkor phellon an’ has swerved lotsa thyme awn numrous charjes an’ kant be trust’d fer anee job. Whuts mor, it iz a noan faktoid that Mistr Evance favers cuttin doughn th’ rainfrist t’ raze cattles thar insted. I betcha ‘ed evun drill fer owl in allaskin natl porks rather then uze grean renewbull enurgies. Missur Ovens iz a two-timin’ gud-fer-nuthin’ varmint an’ i wood not listen t’ a werd frum hiz inedicated mout.

 

Yerz,                               

 

Jo Kiml