To book Florrid Porpise for your concert, funeral, block party, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, retirement party, wedding, confirmation, graduation party, office Christmas party, performance of "Gold Dust," Quaker meeting, or other festive occasion, simply follow these simple instructions:
1. Call (440) 776-3207 and ask for Javier.
$0.45/min. Visa, Mastercard, Amex, Discover accepted.
2. In exactly 17 minutes expect a call from someone calling himself
Simon Rattle* who will give you an address somewhere on 122nd St. in NY approx. 12% of the time.
3. Report to the assigned location at exactly 10:42 pm on the first tuesday after the first full moon after the next solstice or equinox. You will be met by a man wearing a Hawaiian tropical shirt. Give him an unmarked brown envelope containing 1,000,000 lira*. He will then give you the address of a popular Pan-Asian restaurant.
4. Exactly 13 days* after receiving the address, report to the assigned location and order Peking Duck with Fried Rice and Hot+Sour soup.
5. After finishing your meal, you will receive a fortune cookie, the contents of which will be a bill for the remaining balance necessary to book Florrid Porpise! Eat the fortune and flush the cookie down the toilet*. Pay via credit card and on the line for the tip, write the remaining balance to complete the booking of Florrid Porpise. Write date and address on comment card at restaurant.
6. Please allow 8-10 weeks for processing and procrastination.
*If caller identifies himself as another well-known conductor such as Michael Tilson Thomas or Leopold Stokowski (deceased), please go to the nearest fallout shelter and await further instructions.
*US dollars, Euros, yen, chickens not accepted at this time.
*14 days if year is divisible by 7 (eg 1750).
*If cookie is broken in order to extract fortune/bill, distribute cookie to homeless instead of flushing it.