News Archive

*************************NEWS 03/12/06***************************

FP IN HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF THE OBERLIN REVIEW

Above: The newly designed masthead for the paper.

The Oberlin Review, paper of record at Oberlin College, recently advertised an open position for a copy editor. Always eager to supplement the meager income that results from playing in a band that gives away its albums for free, acclaimed a cappella grindcore celebration Florrid Porpise has applied for the job:

Dear the Review,

My compatriot Joe Kimmel and I would like to apply for your advertised friday morning hoedown. We have a great deal of experience in the fields of copy editing and newspaper layout, having copy edited the Oberlin Grape from May 2004 to May 2005. In September of 2005, we became editors of the highly-acclaimed Opinion section of the Grape, a position which we still hold. Previous to our involvement with the campus's better student newspaper, we planned and executed an eleven-week battery of letters-to-the-editor, which were published in the Oberlin Review during the spring semester of 2004 [1].

Upon being instated as space captains of your newspaper, we plan to institute a sweeping set of reforms. No longer will Arts writers cover fast-breaking news stories like Gaiman novels published five months ago or the fact that we have a radio station. Photos will be funnier and/or more risque, captions will be punchier, and no band - no matter how rocking - will ever again Rock 'Sco. Articles will be accepted based not on their journalistic merit, but on whether or not they appeal to Joe Kimmel's and my own personal aesthetic. Laurel Fuson will join the Grape staff and never look back.

We look forward to a long and fruitful partnership. Please leave fifty thousand dollars worth of small bills in a ratty old handbag behind the second watering trough to the right and straight on til morning.

Your future bosses, Walker Evans & Joe Kimmel Enterprises

[1] Sadly, the hilarious salutations and signatures of many of these letters were replaced with the official "Dear Editor" and "Name, Double-Degree Junior" by short-sighted Review staff.

*************************NEWS 03/09/06***************************

FP TO DONATE JOE TO NARAL PRO-CHOICE AMERICA

Citing the increased need for baby-powered motor homes, the members of Florrid Porpise announced at a heavily publicized press conference today that they would be making a substantial contribution to the efforts of NARAL Pro-Choice America to fight South Dakota's ban on all abortions not performed in a back alley. "At times like these, it is important to give all you can for what you believe in," said lead vocalist Walker Evans moments before posing for a photo-op with NARAL president Nancy Keenan. "For you, that might mean a twenty-five dollar check. For us, that means Joe."

Evans then ceremoniously presented Kimmel to Keenan, along with a chilled bottle of wine and a single red rose. Both figures subsequently retired to Evans's Yorkshire flat to privately celebrate women's right to choose.

Spokesman/governor Jon Corzine, representing the State of New Jersey, expressed the State's support for the donation. "I trust the women of America to make their own health decisions without the intrusion of government," said Corzine. The State's new solo project, "I Got 4,489,731 Hos From Trenton To Ho-boken," is set to hit record stores later this month.

A representative for NARAL expressed hope that FP's generous donation will turn the tide in South Dakota. "Thousands of young women with baby humans growing inside of them will have nowhere to turn unless we act now," said Barbie, a fetching young thing from the copy room. "Joe's ability to cause women to shed their uterine lining with his mind should prove an invaluable resource."

A confused Kimmel had no comment, due to appearing onstage bound and gagged throughout the duration of the ceremony.

*************************NEWS 04/09/05***************************

Florrid Porpise has been named the OFFICIAL GRINDCORE CHOIR of  Timmy For Pope 2005!

 

 

*************************NEWS 03/17/05***************************

*************************NEWS 02/11/05***************************

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
SCANDAL ROCKS FLORRID PORPISE!

Walker Evans: Straight-edge rocker or vagrant quaffer?

The fan community was unsurprised to hear official confirmation of FP's coming sabbatical from the gritty world of underground a capella grindcore. Rumors of tension and occasional feline spats breaking the surface of FP's normally suave image have been circulating with unusual vigor throughout prominent fansites, graffiti'd on underpasses, and encoded in high-clearance memos internal to the Department of the Interior Decoration. Now that the truth has finally been admitted, however, one question remains: will outraged fans continue to support FP's lead singer and his lavish excesses during his time in cheap rum rehab?

More paparazzi photos of Evans:

Whooping it up

Ineffectual attempts at seduction

I mean seriously, he couldn't have paid more than like $3.50 for that

Band Member Reactions to Evans's Admittance to Rehab

Joe Kimmel: "How could I have missed the warning signs? A subtle withdrawal from his friends...occasionally borrowing fifty cents, never to repay it...constantly vomiting dizzily onstage, his entire body and clothing reeking of cheap drink... The one that I just can't get over is his slurred words. How did I not notice the steady degradation of his normally crisp and clear lyric delivery?"

The State of New Jersey: "New Jersey is trying to ensure that its most vulnerable citizens can get flu shots if they want them, so we're giving hospitals, doctors, clinics and others an opportunity to order vaccine for their high-risk patients." (Statement issued by Acting Governor Richard J. Codey.)

TJ Vandermolen: (Tacet.)

*************************NEWS 12/23/04***************************